My Storybook can be found here: Ad Astra, Ad Antiquitas
September 30, 2019 at 12:42 am
Hey Alby. Anonymous here again. All hail the pact.
First of all, wow, that introduction took a ton of twists and turns. I both love it and hate it for that reason. It was incredibly engaging and I now will absolutely be googling the cargo cult in all of its forms ASAP. The cocktail was also a fun little metaphor. The letter format works well. Really no complaints about the quality at all. Seriously, incredibly well written.
However, I still don’t feel like I know what the introduction is introducing. I realize that may be on purpose, but my takeaway from one reading of that is that you will be addressing science in some form–a very broad category.
Also, at the end of your introduction, you use first-person and say how this will be from your experience working in labs. Do you mean your experience as in yours, or are you inhabiting a character who will be narrating your stories? At first I thought it was the latter until you signed it with your initials so I’m left unsure.
So, to summarize: incredibly engaging, love every bit of it, can’t go wrong with a Gravity Falls reference, but I’m left wondering what you’re actually writing about and who’s talking. The vagueness may be on purpose but I think providing at least a hint or two as to what you’ll be addressing will help guide your readers as they begin your story!
September 30, 2019 at 10:04 am
Hey, Alby! Nice to stop by your project page—looking pretty good so far! I think you definitely have the site layout down to a T. The material you provided is entertaining: “cargo cult” experimentation and replication; the “cocktail recipe” for confidence, authority and a lack of caution; how science is made of experimentation and shouldn’t be glorified in a religious sense; the beauty of physics as the purest form of science, and the scientific endeavor of astrophysics.
Now, I’m not going to lie—a lot of this went over my head, and I’m not certain what the main idea of your storybook is yet. I see a theme of theoretical science and a brief intro to astrophysics, though I can’t determine if that is the main theme for your storybook. The big question is this: what story do you want to tell, and what will you achieve through this project?
I think you’re off to a great start—just a little bit of tweaking and you’re good to go! I believe the takeaway is that you should connect your ideas in a way that makes sense to the reader. Which reminds me, as much as I love Gravity Falls, the image feels out of place compared to the others—I would either add pictures of a similar style to balance out your intro, or remove it completely. Anyways, that’s all I have for now. I’m excited to see where this project goes!
September 30, 2019 at 10:59 am
I think you have an introduction that from the very first words does a great job at getting the reader invested. The cold humor you utilize for the first sentence is fantastic and I immediately knew I made the right choice clicking on your project.
Design wise I think you know exactly what you are doing. Aesthetically everything you’ve done pairs so well together. The color palette, the imagery, and even the font you’ve chosen really enhance your storytelling.
Going off what Natalie already said, I don’t really know what you are introducing, but it feels intentional. Your writing shows your passion and knowledge about your story, so I’m gonna go out on a limb and trust that it will all make sense when we get there. I think plenty of great stories leave you in the dark until they absolutely have to. Everyone has some innate desire to be surprised.
October 4, 2019 at 11:34 am
Hi Alby! At the very beginning of you introduction I was captivated. I was slightly confused on if you were narrating a fictional character or yourself. Regardless, the beginning was a big wow for me. Especially the part about aliens! I would have never imagined that aliens would come down and send supplies. Very unexpected and intriguing. I personally wonder why they would want to help. Were they wanting to help or was something in it for them?
As your introduction continued I lost track of what was going on. Everything felt very unrelated and there was a lack of flow. What if you could add a quick paragraph up top explaining how the introduction is organized and why it includes what it does? I am not sure what is most important for the story, but I would pull those key points out and emphasis them. I am excited to read a few more of your stories to get a grasp of what your storybook journey is about!
October 4, 2019 at 6:27 pm
To start, I love the style of this story book. The colors, font, and modern-day border are fitting for this scientific, yet historic theme. As far as the content, WOW! I am so impressed on the creativity and quality of your writing. I loved how you addressed your topics in a letter-style format to a particular person, the astrophysicist. This introduction is very well structured, and I like how it has a strong and opinionated tone. I know exactly what each of your stories hope to encompass due to the subheaders and different borders you added. I will say that for an introduction, there is a lot of stuff going on. Overall, I appreciated the great attention to detail, illustrations, and quotes you embedded into this introduction. After reading, I am curious to know what “Ad Astra, Ad Antiquitatem” means. Perhaps, explain this at the end or beginning of this introduction unless you plan on answering this question somewhere in your stories because this is the title of your storybook. Overall, fantastic work, and I cannot wait to read this unique storybook!
October 6, 2019 at 12:25 pm
Hello Alby! I really enjoyed checking out your storybook introduction. I want to start out by complimenting your website and layout! The font, colors, and layout all make it look and feel as if I am reading an actual military or scientific report. I also liked how you separated quotes, which put the perfect amount of emphasis on the different ideas.
After reading the introduction, I am still a little bit confused about what is to come in the stories of your book. I wonder if the introduction would be more clear if you added more explanation at the beginning instead of at the end. Also, it might be helpful to explain what exactly the quotes you featured are going to relate to in the storybook. Is each quote representative of a story, or do they just relate to the overall theme? Clarifying this might offer a better set up for your stories. Overall, great job on creating a well-designed website to house your storybook!
October 13, 2019 at 6:55 pm
I love your introduction. It’s well-written and encourages me to investigate the links you provide. I’m excited to see the stories you post. I’ve made the following comments because I see true promise in your project and know that you’ll turn out a spectacular piece.
I have to agree with the previous commenters about a general lack of flow between ideas. The cocktail piece is biting and entertaining, but seemingly arrives out of nowhere. The real-world consequences of scientific fraud are eye-opening and crucial to your idea that science should not be a religion. I’d encourage you to consider some rearranging of your current ideas to see if there’s a more cohesive way to display them that builds up to your explanation of the allegories you plan to write. You have an excellent way with words. Perhaps making an outline would help you visually arrange the concepts?
Either way, excellent work, and I’ll be bookmarking your storybook to see your allegories.
October 14, 2019 at 10:32 am
This storybook has a tone that I think is specific to you and your writing style only. When I started to read through this page I could tell that it wouldn’t just be a boring page about astrophysics and science and theories. Somehow you managed to take the whole field of astrophysics and hold it in the palm of your hand.
Your example of the cargo cult was very interesting. I had never heard this bit of history and it is very fascinating and somewhat creepy how these people started to mimic solders. This also worked as a great analogy for the comparison of these two groups.
Overall this storybook is looking to be a very interesting take on a critical look of astrophysics along with some witty banter along the way to keep readers focused. I cant wait to see where you take it!
October 21, 2019 at 8:48 am
All I can say is WOW. I really enjoyed your storybook and the first story! I really like that there was a lot of dialogue. Too often I feel that we do not include enough dialogue in our stories, and we feel that by inserting some speaking parts here and there will get our point across to the audience. The letter gave it a very real feeling and I enjoyed it immensely because I felt like I was reading it over the shoulder of the character. Speaking of character, when you use the first person at the end of your story, are you talking about yourself or the character whose name we do not know yet? Also, I must say though, I was very confused about what I was reading. I wasn’t quite sure what the introduction was introducing me to. I found it kind of confusing that I had to use the drop down arrow to find the stories. I first clicked on the titles that were on the left side and when I did not see a story I was wondering if there was one. One suggestion I might give is just a little more simplistic with how we are able to naviagate your page. Other than that I really enjoyed your letter and cannot wait to read more.
October 27, 2019 at 11:21 pm
I really enjoyed how you used dialogue so much. I find dialogue incredibly hard to write so I find it admirable how much you used- I surely would not have! Also, I find you set up intriguing. It is kinda confusing, but it fits how unique your story is. So if you can make the layout a little more simple but keep the wow factor–please do! (Like it is all shifted way to the left) Otherwise, you’re doing great!
October 28, 2019 at 11:03 am
I loved your first story! Your writing was so engaging– while I am not typically a science person, I still found this premise interesting, and the story kept me entertained the whole time. The dialogue was particularly helpful in keeping the reader tuned in to the story; I know I struggle with writing natural-sounding dialogue, but yours fit perfectly into the story. There were also some witty comments in the dialogue, and the humor was a nice touch that fit into your story nicely that I haven’t found in many other storybooks.
The author’s note was a little confusing for me to understand (but that’s just because I’m bad at science haha)– that speaks to your intelligence! I also liked your moral of the story, that just because “it makes sense” doesn’t mean that it’s correct. I also liked how you tied the scientific aspects to the mythology aspects seamlessly.
I look forward to reading more of your stories!!
November 2, 2019 at 2:46 am
I really liked your storybook, it was enjoyable to look through! Your format was really unique and neat. I haven’t seen any projects look quite like this, so it stood out for sure! Your introduction was informative and well-done. “Faith is proclaimed in science, but credence is given to the bureaucracy that bears its name rather than its principles” was a standout sentence. The picture you included of the plane was interesting and tied in well with your intro. Speaking of your stories, they were creative and fun to read. Your focus on science is refreshing and grabbed my attention! The allegorical style was neat. One thing to work on might be characterization, I didn’t always feel like I got to know your characters very well. I enjoyed your writing style. I loved your picture from NASA on the “Marriage Fits the Data” story page. The blue color on the space photo was vivid and beautiful. Great job, can’t wait to read more!!
November 15, 2019 at 11:37 pm
I read your first story a while ago and wanted to circle back around to see more of your work! I liked your second one as well. The different format with the emails back and forth was a smart choice; it was creative and set your work apart from regular narrative storybooks. I liked how detailed your author’s notes are; the videos and articles linked were nice touches! I also like how you sum up the moral of the story in your author’s note; for non-science people (like me) who have a hard time understanding the science talk in your stories, I think the moral does a good job of summing up your story. I was a little confused on the story about the guy with the mattress, but I assume that I was supposed to be (as the character Dr. K told the story to was also confused). Great work, I can’t wait to see the rest!
November 22, 2019 at 1:41 pm
I must say, this was one of my favorite storybooks I’ve read so far! I love the blend of science and story, and I love how the Storybook overall has a message that you emphasize with every new page. The research you’ve put into it and the links you provide are really neat as well. Your Storybook made me think of a Podcast episode you might like: Philosophpize This, Consequences of Reason (https://open.spotify.com/episode/2CrmiwxxXZHGxK6bKq6XZm) which talks about the limits of rationality, and how in seeking scientific knowledge we will always be disproving ourselves, and should be.
The formatting you chose fits the mood you want to convey, although I’m not sure why it only takes up the left half of the page. The formatting for the emails was really well done. One suggestion I have is that you tie some elements of your Intro, such as the cocktail party, back into either one of the stories or author’s notes, just because it feels so distinct from the rest of the Storybook. Overall, fantastic Storybook!
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